


and if it all becomes too much

by sadstrawberry



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Kim Namjoon | RM, Kim Namjoon | RM-centric, Sad Kim Namjoon | RM, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Soft Kim Namjoon | RM, Suicidal Thoughts, but still a whole lotta angst, eventually, fluff is later so don't worry, give namjoon the love he deserves, namjoon has a lot of feelings, neglect kinda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2019-08-26 10:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 17,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16680274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadstrawberry/pseuds/sadstrawberry
Summary: namjoon has to look after his members and make sure everyone is okay. make sure everyone is happy.but who does this for namjoon?





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

namjoon likes hugs.

namjoon likes cuddles.

namjoon likes to feel safe.

but namjoon is also the leader.

namjoon has to be strong.

namjoon has to meet managers and attend meetings well into the early hours of the morning.

namjoon has to look after his members and make sure everyone is okay. make sure everyone is happy. 

but who does this for namjoon?

\- - -

namjoon loves his members. of course he loves them. at this point, they are his family. 

but sometimes, he envies the maknae line. 

namjoon envies them so much.

they always get love and hugs and attention. one of the hyungs is always there to make sure they are okay after a demanding schedule or particularly hard day. 

yes, technically namjoon is one of the hyungs, but he doesn’t really feel like it. he wants the same affection from his hyungs as the maknaes receive. 

because, truth be told, being the leader is stressful. it is so hard. but namjoon never complains. 

namjoon never says anything when the members forget to invite him out to dinner because he was running late in a meeting. 

namjoon never says anything when no one wakes him up for the movie night they had planned.

namjoon never says anything when no one picks him as their roommate at the hotel. 

everyone knows namjoon hates being alone. namjoon guesses they don’t care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!!! i hope you like it!!! comments and feedback are appreciated :))


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

namjoon is usually stressed. as bts’ leader, it is hard not to be. 

today, he is extremely stressed. 

namjoon had a meeting with the managers that lasted until sunrise. then he had dance practice at seven. 

this allowed no time for sleeping, but namjoon is okay. he’s strong, right?

he decides not to tell anyone because he doesn’t want his members to worry like he knows they will. 

if anyone asks why he wasn’t at the dorms last night, he’d tell them his meeting ran over and he slept at his studio.

but when namjoon meets the others in the studio for practice, no one asks where he was the night before. 

did they even notice he was gone?

they are his family. of course they noticed. they had to notice.

but no asks him any questions and namjoon begins to think. 

does he even matter anymore?

\- - -

practice is hell.

namjoon is tired. exhausted, actually. and the new moves are only adding to that. 

the new dance is hard, more so than any of their previous ones. 

everyone has the sequence down, except for namjoon. 

everytime he thinks he finally has it, he trips or falls off count.

no one says anything, but namjoon can see their frustration. their anger. their impatience. 

and namjoon is trying. he’s trying so hard. he’s desperate to prove to his members that he can do it. he’s worth something.

he’s not a clutz. he’s not a liability. he’s not useless. 

namjoon tells himself these things, but the looks from the members prove him otherwise. 

\- - -

after an extended dance practice, courtesy of namjoon, they finally get to go back to the dorms.

the ride home is silent and namjoon can practically feel the tension rolling off the other members.

namjoon knows it’s his fault.

he wants to apologize but is afraid if he does it will only make the others more irritated.

namjoon hopes they will have calmed down by the time they reach the dorms because he wants nothing more than to cuddle on the couch with jimin and taehyung as they watch dramas on tv.

but when they get inside and namjoon is about to collapse on the couch, jin scolds him for missing his night of dishes. and also makes him wash tonight’s as well. 

namjoon wants to argue. 

namjoon wants to tell them about how he didn’t get any sleep last night and about how he missed yesterday’s dinner and today’s breakfast and today’s lunch and about how exhausted he feels. 

namjoon wants to ask all the members gathered in the living room why?

why didn’t they ask why he didn’t come home last night?

why didn’t they notice he was gone?

why didn’t they care about him?

why didn’t they want him anymore?

but namjoon doesn’t. 

instead, he apologizes as he stumbles to the kitchen, beginning the monotonous task of washing two days worth of dishes as he listens to the others talk and laugh in the room next door.

they sound so happy. so carefree. without him.

the scalding water from the sink is nothing compared to the aching in namjoon’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for your kudos and nice comments on the last chapter!!! they really mean a lot and help motivate me to write more :))


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders. please don't read if triggered

it isn’t a big deal, really.

people make mistakes. occasionally forget things. it’s no big deal.

except it is a big deal to namjoon. because they forgot about him. again. 

the boys had decided to go out to dinner to celebrate their new album topping the charts. they would have delectable food at an expensive restaurant and drink nice wine and laugh until the restaurant closed.

well, the other boys would.

namjoon has been in a meeting with band pd for half the day, discussing new songs and concepts for music videos and future comebacks. 

the other members knew about his meeting and promised to wait for him because ‘it wouldn’t really be a celebration without our joonie’, which made namjoon happy because it seems like they care. it sounds like they care. maybe they still do.

but now namjoon knows they don’t. they left namjoon alone. 

and it hurts. it hurts alot. 

because they promised to wait for him. and yes, his meeting did run over but nothing too extreme.

namjoon guesses he isn’t important enough to be waited on.

\- - -

when namjoon gets back to the dorm, he is met with complete silence.

he flops down on the couch, trying to get the sympathetic smile bang pd had given him as he informed namjoon that the other members had already gone to dinner without him out of his head. 

namjoon had asked to go back to the dorms, knowing that by the time he arrived at the restaurant it would almost be closing time.

band pd had given him a pitying look as he told him the car was ready for him and waved goodbye.

namjoon buries his head in his hands, willing the memory to go away.

namjoon doesn’t like the silence right now. usually he doesn’t mind silence. likes it even. but right now he doesn’t.

namjoon notices the vlive notification on his phone and clicks on it.

it’s the others. they are doing a vlive at the celebratory dinner. the dinner they are at without him.

namjoon watches for a little bit. listening to his members talk. watching them be happy without him.

he reads the comments as they flow in.

some ask where he is, wondering why the leader isn’t present at the group dinner. they ask the other members to tell them where he is and if he’s okay.

some say they miss him and wish they could see his pretty face on the vlive. they say they hope he’s not working too hard and wish him good health and happiness.

others say they are happy that he isn’t there. they say he’s annoying. they say they never liked him from the start. they say he’s ugly and disgusting. they say he never should’ve been in the group. they say bts is better off without him. they say he’s a waste of space. they say he should leave. 

namjoon starts to think.

these people are right. the ones telling him he’s disgusting. and worthless. and a waste of oxygen. 

tears slip from namjoon’s eyes onto the floor.

it all makes so much sense now.

\- - -

namjoon falls asleep on the couch, only waking up when he hears the rest of the boys stumble in tipsy and giggling.

namjoon gets up, rubs his face trying to wipe away any evidence of his crying.

the boys shuffle around the dorm, mumbling goodnights as doors shut.

namjoon stays on the couch making small talk with jimin until hoseok steps out of the bathroom. jimin smiles and tells namjoon goodnight before jumping on hoseok, giggling until the door to their room is shut.

namjoon walks to the bathroom, stares at himself in the mirror.

the comments flood back into his mind.

fat.

disgusting.

useless.

namjoon runs his fingers over his face. then across his collarbones. then up and down his sides.

he look at his cheeks and stomach and thighs. he hates them. hates himself.

the comments are definitely right.

kim namjoon is fat.

his members know too.

that’s definitely why they didn’t wait for him to go to dinner.

he doesn’t need the food. it will only turn into more fat.

namjoon turns out the lights and crawls into bed, smiling a little when he realizes he never ate dinner.

finally he is starting to do something right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! <3


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders. please don't read if triggered

namjoon knows what he’s doing is wrong.

but he can’t stop himself. and no one is trying to stop him.

this has happened before. not to him, but to jimin. the other members had noticed early on and begged jimin to eat, sat with him until he ate at least half his plate, accompanied him to the studio to make sure he didn’t pass out. 

they had given jimin hugs and cuddles, held him while he cried because he thought he ate too much or felt so, so, so fat or read hate comments about his weight on twitter.

everyone had been so supportive of jimin. so caring towards him.

why aren't they like this for namjoon?

instead of getting hugs and cuddles when he politely turns down seokjin’s food, namjoon gets scolded. yelled at.

‘why do you have to be so rude, namjoon?’  
seokjin.

‘seokjinnie hyung worked so hard on this meal and you can’t even sit down to eat it? have more respect namjoon hyung.’  
taehyung.

‘you’re the leader. you need to act like it. hyung is very disappointed in you, namjoon.’  
yoongi.

namjoon is well aware of this fact. that he is the leader.

and he’s trying. trying so hard.

he’s trying to make the fans like him more. he’s trying to make his members like him again. 

he’s trying so damn hard to be perfect.

but all he’s doing is being a disappointment.

\- - -

the members finally have a few free days. four, to be exact.

yoongi and taehyung had left early that morning to catch the train to daegu. 

namjoon finds this out from seokjin as he steps out the door to meet the car downstairs.

seokjin mumbles a half hearted goodbye as he closes the door, leaving namjoon alone in the kitchen. 

yoongi and taehyung… hadn’t told him goodbye. or that they were leaving. 

namjoon feels a little ache in his chest.

he was sleeping in the next room and they didn’t wake him up to say goodbye?

namjoon’s head hurts.

they don’t care about him anymore.

yoongi and taehyung don’t care. yoongi and taehyung don’t care. yoongi and taehyung don’t care. 

namjoon’s face feels wet, but he doesn’t care.

just like yoongi and taehyung. who don’t care.

\- - -

jimin promises to watch a movie with namjoon when he gets back from the studio with hoseok and jeongguk. 

and namjoon is excited.

he fixes popcorn and gets candy and soda.

he rents the movie on their tv. the movie he’s been waiting to see for months.

namjoon gets the softest blanket in the dorm and his favorite pillow and collapses on the couch, waiting for jimin.

jimin said he would be home any minute.

namjoon looks at the coffee table in front of him. he’s pleased. it looks nice.

and for once, he’s excited to eat.

namjoon’s phone rings. it’s jimin. namjoon answers.

jimin says he’s still at the studio with hoseok and jeongguk. he asks if it’s okay if they reschedule because they are learning a new dance and it’s so much fun and… 

namjoon says of course. he doesn’t mind.

but namjoon does mind. he minds a lot.

the call ends and the room is silent again. a heavy silence.

namjoon looks down at the table again.

he doesn’t feel hungry anymore.

the ache in his chest comes back. except it’s harder this time.

it hurts. his heart hurts.

namjoon turns off the tv and throws the snacks away before shuffling to his room.

now namjoon is glad no one else is home. he’s glad no one’s here to listen to him cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! not gonna lie when i read the comments i teared up <3


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders and self harm. please don't read if triggered

namjoon knows how it starts.

he can’t lie and say he doesn’t. can’t lie and say it was all a blur. because it wasn’t.

he’d thought and thought and thought. and after all that thinking, he still wants to.

so he does.

the third day of break namjoon is alone in the dorms. which is typical. namjoon is used to it now.

namjoon slips into the bathroom, clutching the convenience store bag to his chest. 

he locks the door before sliding down the wall, taking the pencil sharpener out of the bag.

he watches the light reflect off the blade.

namjoon thinks it’s pretty. he wishes he was pretty too.

namjoon twists the screw until it pops out of the sharpener. the blade lands on the ground with a small clink.

namjoon tosses the screw and plastic piece in the trash bin before picking up his blade from the floor.

namjoon smiles a little when he thinks about how pathetic he must look in this moment.

he feels like a damsel in distress, waiting to be saved. except he doesn’t need to be saved. doesn’t want to be saved.

he is just fine handling things on his own. it’s better for everyone if he does anyway. 

namjoon gazes at the smooth, honey-tinted skin of his left arm.

does he really want to do this? he will have scars and if the others find out…

yes, he’s sure. and the others aren’t around long enough to notice. 

namjoon holds the small blade between his fingers and swipes it across his arm.

he leans his head back and gasps.

it hurts.

it hurts.

it feels so good.

he watches the blood drip from the cut.

namjoon thinks it looks pretty. in a way.

the cut stops stinging and turns into a dull throb.

namjoon does it again. and again. and again.

he blots the blood with toilet paper and flushes it to make sure no one finds any evidence.

he hides the blade inside a ring box.

he hides the ring box in the back of his nightstand drawer.

no one will ever find it.

namjoon finds a sweatshirt that he thinks is seokjin’s and slips it on.

namjoon finds taehyung’s blanket on the armchair and drags it to the couch.

the dorm is quiet.

namjoon misses his boys.

namjoon misses feeling loved.

namjoon misses being happy.

namjoon pulls his left arm tight against his chest and tries to focus on the throbbing of the cuts instead of the awful silence suffocating him.

\- - -

the boys are back at the dorm the last night of their short break.

they are all gathering in the living room to have a movie night before their schedules begin again.

junk food is spread across the floor in front of the tv as the others scurry around searching for remotes, blankets, pillows.

namjoon doesn’t touch the food. glares at it like it hurts him. because it does.

namjoon lingers in the kitchen after grabbing a diet soda from the refrigerator.

he isn’t sure where to sit. yes, he’s lived with these boys in the dorms for years, but things feel different now. are different now.

seokjin pulls jeongguk onto his lap from where he sits in the recliner.

yoongi and jimin are curled into each other on one end of the couch.

taehyung is draped over hoseok on the other end of the couch.

there’s no more room on the couch or the recliner, so namjoon wraps a blanket around himself and sits down on the floor, leaning against the couch.

the others have each other. no one needs namjoon.

namjoon is alone. so alone.

hoseok pets his hair for a few minutes during the movie until taehyung whines and hoseok pets his hair instead.

namjoon doesn’t get love. namjoon doesn’t deserve love. namjoon is unlovable.

namjoon doesn’t realize that he’s pressing down on his cuts until one of them reopens.

namjoon looks around the room in a panic.

everyone is asleep.

namjoon quietly stands up and pads to the bathroom. he cleans the blood off his arm and walks to his room.

he pauses in the hallway to glance in the living room.

they all fit together so perfectly. they look so close. like a family.

namjoon doesn’t feel like family. not anymore.

namjoon tries to figure out what went wrong. what he did wrong.

that’s when namjoon remembers the comments. now namjoon understands why.

fat.

ugly.

worthless.

untalented.

annoying.

useless.

pathetic.

disgusting.

there are so many reasons why namjoon isn’t good enough for his boys. for the group.

namjoon was just blind to them before.

but now he’ll be better.

he has to be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! if there's anything y'all would like to see happen in future chapters, please comment and let me know. i'll try my hardest to work it into the story. in a future chapter (chapter 9 i think) there will be comfort/fluff featuring jackson from got7 so be prepared <3


	6. chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders. please don't read if triggered

namjoon spends days in his studio.

when they don’t have too many demanding schedules in a week, he only comes back to the dorms in the morning to shower and get ready for the day. then he returns to his studio again.

no one is complaining about namjoon’s absence. namjoon supposes they like it better when he’s gone.

namjoon’s too annoying to be around anyway.

namjoon is on his second day without any sleep.

he’s producing and editing tracks. he’s helping yoongi. he’s being a good leader.

he’s being better.

namjoon is on his second day without any food.

he’s losing weight. trying to become more attractive. please the fans.

he’s being better.

hopefully, his members will like him again if he’s better.

\- - -

namjoon arrives back at the dorms during dinner.

namjoon hasn’t been present during dinner at the dorms for a while. a very long while.

jeongguk greet him first as he steps into the dining room, making his way to his room to sleep.

jeongguk pulls namjoon into the seat beside him as he rambles about how good seokjin’s black bean noodles are and how he knows they’re namjoon’s favorite.

namjoon wants to lie and tell the others he’s already eaten. lie and tell them he had a large dinner and is absolutely stuffed.

he really, really wants to skip dinner, like he had been doing with all his meals the past two days.

but jeongguk is smiling up at him. pushing a bowl of noodles toward him. putting the chopsticks in his hands.

and namjoon can’t say no. he can’t say no to jeongguk. his maknae. his precious maknae.

so namjoon manages a tight smile as he thanks jeongguk for the bowl and seokjin for the food.

he doesn’t want to eat.

he doesn’t want to eat.

but he does anyway.

he listens to the others’ conversation during the meal.

nobody asks namjoon any questions. namjoon stays silent.

no one wants to hear him talk. no one cares what he has to say. he’s too annoying.

namjoon finishes his noodles and sets his dishes in the sink.

the food was delicious. but now namjoon feels sick. so sick.

namjoon lies down on his bed and clutches his stomach. it cramps and he holds it tighter.

namjoon feels full. too full.

he wishes he could get the food out of him.

he wants it out, out, out.

an idea pops into namjoon’s head. he could throw it up.

it won’t be pleasant or fun. but the food will be out of him. and that’s all namjoon wants.

he’ll be better. improving for himself. his image. his fans. the members. the group.

namjoon rushes to the bathroom, turns on the shower, sits in front of the toilet.

namjoon knows what he has to do. and does it.

he tentatively lifts two fingers to his mouth and pushes them down his throat.

his fingers hit the back of his throat. he gags. but nothing comes up.

he pulls them out. 

he tries again. and again. and again.

no matter how much he scratches the back of his throat, he doesn’t throw up.

namjoon stops, tears running down his face.

he can’t do it.

the food is stuck inside him. he’s going to gain so much weight.

namjoon sits on the bathroom floor until his tears subside.

he turns the shower off, washes his hands, lies back in bed.

his eyes hurt.

his throat hurts.

his stomach hurts.

his head hurts.

his heart hurts.

why does everything hurt?

\- - -

the members have vocal practice in the morning.

namjoon wakes up with puffy eyes and an aching throat.

he looks at himself in the mirror. he looks bloated too. what a great morning.

the ride to the studio is silent. at least, it is for namjoon.

the members don’t really speak to him. only giving him ‘good morning’s as he climbs into the passenger seat of the van.

but that’s alright. namjoon’s throat hurts too much to do a lot of talking anyway.

yoongi, hoseok, and namjoon begin practicing their raps while the vocal line meets with their coach.

it’s namjoon’s turn. namjoon starts. but can’t finish.

his voice becomes croaky and his eyes fill with tears. he tries to drink water. his throat only hurts worse.

the others blame it on the cold weather and namjoon nods, agreeing, lying.

he stays silent the rest of the time, working on lyrics.

namjoon looks up when yoongi and hoseok explode into fits of laughter.

namjoon wonders what they’re laughing about. he wishes he could laugh with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and kudos!!! thank y'all for your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! i love reading y'alls comments and i'm trying really hard to update as much as possible for y'all <3


	7. chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders and self harm. please don't read if triggered

there’s so much going on. there’s so much going on and namjoon can’t handle it.

meetings, interviews, dance practices, photoshoots, producing, vocal practices.

namjoon doesn’t know how to deal with the chaos that is his life.

the only things that make him feel better now are his blade and the lovely feeling he gets when he sees his bones beginning to look somewhat prominent in the mirror.

namjoon’s schedule is so busy at the moment that he doesn’t even have to try not to eat anymore.

he honestly doesn’t have the time. or energy.

during breakfast, he’s trying to get a few extra minutes of much needed sleep.

during lunch, he’s taking phone calls and getting information about their events for the rest of the day.

during dinner, he’s meeting with managers and producers, trying to keep the group from falling behind on schedules or productions.

sometimes namjoon will fix a cup of instant ramen before bed. but that’s only when he feels extremely weak. the kind of weak where you can’t lift your hand up to fix your hair.

seokjin stops leaving a plate for him on the table.

but seokjin doesn’t stop answering his questions with less than five words or giving him a glare everytime he misses dinner or movie night or other dorm events.

namjoon feels guilty. pathetic.

he feels bad for making his hyung angry. he feels bad for making seokjin think he doesn’t like his food. he feels bad for making seokjin insecure about his cooking skills.

because namjoon does. he likes seokjin’s cooking. so much.

but namjoon doesn’t need it. he doesn’t need the extra calories. extra fat.

he wants the food. but he doesn’t need the food.

last time had been bad enough. he can’t repeat it.

and he can’t throw up either. that just doesn’t work for him. unfortunately.

so namjoon swallows his guilt and continues to miss his meals. after all, the fans and members will like him again when he’s thin. when he’s better.

\- - -

namjoon collapses onto his bed at five am.

he had been in a meeting about tour dates and venue spaces and the boys’ schedules and... 

and namjoon had been tired. so tired.

he always feels tired now.

but he had pinched himself and drank an unhealthy amount of coffee and tried his hardest to focus on the matters at hand.

he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

two hours isn’t enough sleep for anyone. much less a full grown person who has to attend a six hour dance practice later. a very hard dance practice.

as life would have it, this person is namjoon.

someone roughly shakes his shoulder, mumbling that they have to leave in thirty minutes if they want to make it on time.

namjoon groans and turns his head, burying it further into his pillow.

he hears the others moving around the dorm, trying to find clean clothes, talking as they eat breakfast.

namjoon sighs. he’s exhausted.

he doesn’t want to go to dance practice. he’s not even good at dancing. doesn’t really like it honestly.

but he has to go. it’s a mandatory practice. and it burns calories, so that’s always a plus.

namjoon stays curled under his warm blankets, dozing in and out of consciousness. the soft ambience of the boys in the dorm always lulls him off to sleep. 

he knows they’re all here. all safe. it puts namjoon at ease.

namjoon’s eyes fly open as he shoots up in bed. he had fallen asleep.

the dorm is silent. with seven boys living there, the dorm is only silent when everyone is gone or something terrible has happened.

namjoon guesses they left without him. but he still worries something has happened and he was asleep instead of dealing with it.

namjoon throws his blankets back and rushes to the kitchen.

he’s right. they left without him. their shoes and coats are gone.

they left namjoon here. alone. all by himself.

namjoon’s eyes burn.

they really must not care about him. they left him.

he takes a few shaky breathes and goes back to his room.

his phone says ten minutes til eight. their practice starts at eight. and it’s a fifteen minute drive to the studio without traffic.

namjoon pulls on a sweatshirt and joggers, rushing out the door to his ride.

he’s going to be late. the dance instructor won’t be happy. he’s going to get in trouble.

what kind of leader is he? he can’t even make it to mandatory group practices on time.

on the way to the studio, a thought crosses namjoon’s mind. maybe the boys are embarrassed to be seen with him.

maybe that’s why they left him.

namjoon thinks about this for the rest of the ride.

as he exits the car, namjoon wholeheartedly believes this to be true.

the boys are too embarrassed to be seen with him.

\- - -

dance practice goes horribly.

namjoon gets scolded harshly by the dance instructor for being late.

then he gets yelled at for not understanding the new choreography and being sloppy during the old dances.

namjoon is aching and sweating by the time the instructor calls the end of practice.

the members have the rest of the day off, opting to relax at the dorm.

namjoon lets the others take their showers first. they had worked harder at practice. they had actually learned the new moves. they deserve to go before him.

namjoon reaches in the back of his nightstand drawer, grabs his ring box, hides it in his bundle of clean clothes.

he locks the bathroom door and turns on the shower.

the water is cold. namjoon pushes the lever as far as it can go. no hot water comes out.

namjoon closes his eyes, rubs his temples, hops under the cold water a moment later.

after rushing through his shower, namjoon gets out, opens the ring box, pulls the blade out.

it’s just as shiny as last time. only now its sharp corners are painted with red. blood.

namjoon gazes at the cuts scabbing over on his left forearm. 

some lines in neat columns. some lines intersecting with others.

namjoon drags the blade across a patch of clear skin. he watches the blood well up in dots before it drips down his arm.

he wonders if he cried, would it make him feel better?

he feels like he should be crying. like this should be some kind of traumatic event.

but namjoon can’t cry. he feels like he has run out of tears.

he can’t really feel things right now. just numb.

the only things he feels are the throbbing in his arm and the weight being lifted from his body. his mind getting clearer.

he feels so much better. at peace. calm.

he drags the blade across his arm some more. only stopping when most of the toilet paper he had been using to blot the blood is dark red.

namjoon wipes off the blade, places it back in the ring box, flushes the toilet paper.

he slips a black sweatshirt over his head. he had figured out the hard way that black, navy, and maroon are the only colors that don’t show blood stains.

he pushes the ring box into the back corner of his nightstand drawer. in its place.

namjoon lies down in bed. ready to catch up on all his missed sleep.

he feels euphoric as he drifts off to sleep, the stinging and throbbing of his new cuts clearing his mind, allowing him to sleep deeply. 

namjoon is thankful for his floaty state. but he would still cry if he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! this chapter is the longest in the story so far. hopefully it makes up for me being slow.
> 
> i write from personal experience. this story is kind of like a collection of my personal experiences told through joonie. i really empathize with anyone else who feels this way too. i wish you all the best and i hope you can find happiness and health. i hope one day in the future, we can live happily, surrounded by loving people and love ourselves as well. <3


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders and self harm. please don't read if triggered

the stylist wants namjoon to wear a short sleeve shirt.

namjoon can’t wear a short sleeve shirt.

he can’t. he can’t. he can’t.

the cuts. everyone will see the cuts.

namjoon tries to control his breathing. tell the stylist he doesn’t want to.

the stylist tells him that’s all the outfits they have. they’re preplanned.

namjoon looks down at the shirt in his hands.

he can’t. he can’t. he can’t.

jeongguk. jeongguk has a long sleeve shirt. namjoon will do anything for that shirt. beg, cry, steal.

namjoon asks if they can switch shirts. says the color of it isn’t flattering for him. explains the shirt is too tight for him. 

lies, lies, lies.

jeongguk shrugs as he takes the shirt from namjoon, gives him the long sleeve one.

namjoon wants to hug jeongguk. hug him and cry into his shoulder and tell him thank you over and over.

but namjoon gives a small smile and mumbles his thanks. trying not to make it appear like it’s a big deal. it’s the biggest deal.

namjoon changes in the bathroom. doesn’t want anyone to see his cuts and fat and imperfection.

he stretches in the mirror. holds down the ends of the sleeves so they won’t fall down his arm. won’t expose the cuts.

namjoon gets his hair and makeup done. around him, the others are joking, laughing, sharing snacks.

no one jokes or laughs or shares snacks with namjoon.

he stays silent in his seat. even after the makeup noona is done. even after everyone but the members exit the waiting room.

namjoon watches the members go over the dance, take photos, and give each other good luck hugs.

namjoon wishes he could do the same.

namjoon wishes he belonged.

\- - -

the members sit down in their spots for the award show.

got7 sits in the row behind them.

the two groups know each other well, having worked on projects together in the past.

jeongguk climbs over the row to sit by yugyeom.

namjoon sits on the end. by the aisle.

he can’t help but feel awkward. he has no one to talk to. all alone on the end. 

namjoon notices a common theme in his life. being alone.

jimin is on his right. but jimin is so social and well liked. it isn’t hard for him to talk to new people or make friends. namjoon wishes he was like jimin. 

but jimin is too busy to talk to namjoon. too busy talking to the others around him.

namjoon sits forward in his seat, waits for the award show to begin, wishes he was in his bed at the dorm.

he jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder. jackson.

namjoon turns around and smiles. a real smile.

namjoon likes all the members of got7. but jackson is definitely his favorite. his best friend outside of his own group.

namjoon and jackson talk. asking each other questions. talking about music. wondering how the show would go.

namjoon realizes how much he’d missed jackson.

the show starts. jackson stays in the seat behind namjoon, leaning up to whisper jokes and comments about the show to namjoon. 

after performances from both groups and the accepting of awards and other award show events, they are free to leave.

namjoon wants nothing more than to go back to the dorm and sleep.

just as the two groups are saying their goodbyes, the two maknaes decide they want to go to dinner. 

they beg the leaders. namjoon and jaebum agree. easily.

namjoon could never deny jeongguk anything. he has an exceptionally large soft spot for his maknae. 

namjoon looks out the passenger window and thinks about how to avoid eating too much at dinner. 

eating nothing at all might make people suspicious. but eating too much will make him even fatter.

namjoon leans his head against the window and closes his eyes. 

\- - -

namjoon is on the end again. this time by taehyung, who is as good at making friends as jimin. namjoon wishes he could be like taehyung too.

namjoon goes to the restroom during the entree.

entrees have the most calories. if namjoon can avoid sitting at the table for a little while during the entree, then it won’t be suspicious when he doesn’t finish it. 

he stands in the empty restroom. looks at twitter comments about the award show. looks at comments about their performance. his performance. 

namjoon hears footsteps approaching the restroom. he panics, shoves his phone in his pocket, turns toward the mirror.

it’s jackson. jackson says he came looking for him. wanted to make sure he’s okay.

namjoon almost cries. no one in his group cares if he’s okay or not. no one in his group cares if he’s there or not. 

but he doesn’t. not here. not now. 

jackson and namjoon chat. jackson makes namjoon laugh. genuinely laugh. namjoon can’t remember the last time he laughed like this. so happy. so carefree.

namjoon subconsciously pulls his sleeve up a bit while washing his hands.

jackson’s laughter fades away. 

namjoon looks up, wondering what went wrong. he follows jackson’s gaze to his visible wrists. 

his visible wrists covered in angry red cuts and pink scabs and white lines. 

namjoon yanks his sleeves down. his eyes water. he tries to formulate a believable lie. 

jackson says namjoon’s name, asks him if what he thinks happened really happened.

namjoon shakes his head. 

no one can find out. no one can know. this can’t be happening.

namjoon stares down at his shaking hands, trying to hold in his tears, mind racing a mile per minute. 

namjoon’s watery eyes and hunched in figure are already answer enough for jackson.

jackson steps forward and hugs him. holds him.

namjoon tries his best to hold in his sobs. if someone came into the restroom right now, he’s fucked.

namjoon ends up sobbing into jackson’s shoulder as jackson pets his hair. 

namjoon’s sobs reduce to sniffles. jackson pulls him back to look him in the eye.

namjoon wipes jackson’s tears away. 

he feels bad. he made someone sad. he made someone that’s so happy, so sad. 

and it’s all namjoon’s fault. always his fault. 

jackson says they need to talk. says they’re going back to the got7 dorms. says they’re leaving now. 

namjoon nods and follows jackson out of the restaurant as jackson texts the others to let them know they’re leaving. 

namjoon lays his head on jackson’s shoulder in the car. 

he’s too tired to think. too tired to pretend. too tired to lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! i cried reading the comments
> 
> thank y'all for all the support last chapter. it means the world to me
> 
> next chapter is the comfort/fluff i've been promising. i've never really written or experienced comfort/fluff before, so please forgive me if it's bad. i'll try my hardest <3


	9. chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of self harm. please don't read if triggered

the got7 dorm is dark. 

the boys quickly change into sweats, wash their faces. 

jackson leads namjoon to the couch and turns on the lamp.

neither of the boys say anything. 

the silence feels like it’s crushing namjoon. it’s too quiet. all he can do is think.

think about how fucked up he is. think about how jackson’s going to hate him now. think about how he will be all alone again. 

jackson’s soft voice brings namjoon back from his thoughts.

“namjoon-ah, i need you to tell me what happened to your wrist, okay?”

namjoon shakes his head.

he can’t. he can’t tell him what happened.

what if jackson doesn’t believe him or thinks he’s an attention seeker? what will namjoon do then?

namjoon picks at his cuticles, shakes his head over and over. his heart is racing. he feels the static in his head. 

“namjoon. namjoon-ah, i need you to look at me,” jackson says, taking his hand. “i know this is hard, but you have to talk to somebody. it doesn’t have to be me, but it has to be someone.”

namjoon thinks about the possibilities.

his parents. they won’t believe him if he tries to talk to them. they don’t believe things like this are real or valid.

his members. namjoon can’t tell them. namjoon is the leader. the leader is supposed to be the strongest.

his friends. namjoon doesn’t have any friends outside of his group. he works too much. doesn’t have the time or energy or motivation to try to make new friends.

but namjoon does have jackson. his only idol friend. only friend at all.

jackson, who cleared his schedule to talk to namjoon. jackson, who’s staring at him with big brown eyes waiting for an answer. jackson, who cares about namjoon.

“you,” namjoon murmurs. “i want to talk to you.”

“okay,” jackson whispers. “okay, good.”

jackson asks namjoon what happened to his wrist again. he already knows but needs to hear it from namjoon before he can continue. 

namjoon hesitates, tries to stop his hands from shaking, looks to jackson for reassurance.

“i did it,” namjoon whispers.

namjoon can’t believe he told someone. can’t believe he admitted it.

namjoon doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.

“okay. thank you for telling me joon-ah.” jackson says with a small smile.

namjoon tries to smile back. it looks more like a grimace.

jackson gently takes namjoon’s arm, turns it over, looks at namjoon to make sure it’s okay.

“i need to see them, alright? i need to make sure they’re not infected or need stitches.”

namjoon draws back at this.

he can’t let jackson see them. not again.

telling someone about his cuts and showing someone his cuts are two very different things.

namjoon’s eyes burn. he sniffles.

“please, baby. i have to check.” jackson says again.

namjoon obliges, gives a small nod, closes his eyes.

jackson slowly pulls namjoon’s sleeve over his elbow, looks at his forearm, takes a deep breath.

namjoon’s forearm is covered in cuts. 

they overlap and intertwine. overwhelm his honey skin with red.

jackson tries not to cry.

some are angry red and fresh, only looking hours old. they are pink around the edges, swelling up a bit.

jackson supposes namjoon added these to his collection sometime before the award show. 

others are pink, looking days old. they are scabbing over. these are in the healing process.

jackson knows these scars will stay glued to namjoon’s skin for a very long time, if not forever.

underneath the others are slivers of white, turning silvery under the light. these are the oldest cuts. the ones that have completely healed over but will never go away.

jackson wonders how long ago namjoon started doing this. why didn’t he notice? why didn’t someone notice?

namjoon jumps and snaps his eyes open when he feels jackson lightly tracing his cuts.

namjoon can feel jackson’s hot tears dripping onto his arm as jackson stares down at it.

namjoon feels so guilty. jackson is so outgoing, so happy. he looks so sad now. like everything in the world has gone wrong and he can do nothing but watch.

jackson asks namjoon how long this has been going on for.

namjoon looks down, says he can’t really remember, guesses a few months. or maybe more.

jackson asks if he’ll stop. try to stop. please. anything but this.

namjoon shakes his head. tells him he can’t. it’s complicated. he’s sorry. he’ll try.

jackson asks why namjoon started doing this. not in a harsh way though, a soft way that shows that he cares.

namjoon stays quiet for a minute. thinks about what to say.

namjoon can’t lie to him. jackson can see right through him.

namjoon tells jackson. tells him about the boys. his problems.

about how they don’t like him anymore, how he doesn’t belong. about how he knows he’s not needed, how alone he feels.

namjoon tells jackson about how he wants to go home, but he doesn’t know where home is anymore. tells him how he wants everything to stop, wants to go to sleep and wake up as someone else far, far away. or never wake up again.

during his explanation, namjoon starts crying. he keeps talking in between his sobs because he wants someone to care. to know how he feels and care that he feels that way.

now namjoon can’t stop crying. and he feels pathetic.

he regrets wishing that he could cry. cause now that’s all he can do and it’s awful.

jackson hugs him, pulls him close.

namjoon keeps sobbing into jackson’s shoulder. he can feel jackson’s body shaking too as he holds namjoon, runs his fingers through namjoon’s hair.

namjoon’s sobs reduce to sniffles.

jackson tells him it’ll be okay now. namjoon’s got him now. and he’ll make it better. namjoon doesn’t deserve this. he knows it’s hard but namjoon’s so strong, such a beautiful person.

namjoon dozes off on jackson’s shoulder.

jackson tucks him in bed with an extra blanket.

just before namjoon falls asleep, he hears jackson telling him goodnight and to have sweet dreams. 

\- - -

namjoon wakes up feeling warm and lighter than yesterday.

the house is silent. namjoon panics before remembering the previous day’s events. then panics again.

jackson greets namjoon in the kitchen, asks if he likes chocolate milk, pours two glasses. 

he tells namjoon to drink up. that he looks skinnier than before.

namjoon takes the milk and moves to the couch, snuggling up with a blanket.

jackson pushes him over, steals some of the blanket, laughs when namjoon makes a face at him.

they watch tv, shoulder to shoulder, sipping chocolate milk.

they both laugh at the tv, making remarks about the show.

namjoon feels happy for the first time in a while. genuinely happy.

he wonders if this is what life is supposed to be like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! it really means a lot to me <3
> 
> i've never really written comfort/fluff before and have never experienced it, so i based it off what i would want someone to do to me i guess. i really hope this turned out okay and y'all like it. 
> 
> also, in this chapter i mention how namjoon's parents don't believe mental illness is real or valid. i am not trying to say they believe that. it is for the story purposes only. i based this part on my own experiences.


	10. chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter had themes of suicidal thoughts. please don't read if triggered

where do the members see themselves in 10 years?

that’s the question the interviewer asks them.

namjoon can’t picture himself anywhere in 10 years. honestly, he pictures himself dead.

he doesn’t answer. only translates the others’ answers, tries not to feel upset when no one remembers to ask for his answer. forgets he exists.

sometimes, he feels like a manager and translator. he’s not needed for anything other than keeping up with the schedule and translating between korean and english.

it hurts. but namjoon tries not to think about it.

today, though, it’s hard not to think about it. after the interview. after being forgotten for an hour and a half.

he wonders if he should leave. if this was ever meant for him.

maybe he’s forcing his way into something that was never meant to be. maybe the boys realize this and they’re subtly trying to let him know.

he doesn’t belong.

he’s not needed.

it makes sense.

the boys leaving him out. forgetting to invite him to things. ignoring his questions. pretending he’s not in the room.

it all makes sense.

namjoon should leave. 

he’s not wanted.

\- - -

the voice in his head keeps saying he’s not good enough.

not good enough.

not good enough.

not good enough.

he can’t do anything right.

why’s he still here?

in bts. in life.

he should give up.

in bts. in life.

he was never important anyways.

\- - -

the boys are walking through the venue.

the managers are showing them where to go on the day of the concert. the dressing rooms. where to get their hair and makeup done. how to get to the stage.

namjoon feels so alone, walking with his group. with his best friends.

everyone walks in pairs.

leaving namjoon by himself. leaving namjoon alone.

he starts to ask a question. but stops. 

no one even looks back at him when he starts talking. everyone keeps walking.

maybe they can’t hear him. maybe they are ignoring him.

namjoon doesn’t know. of course, he has his suspicions though.

they are ignoring him.

namjoon tries to think of anything he could have done in the past few days to upset them. he isn’t sure. he can’t seem to do anything right these days. it could be anything really. 

it makes namjoon’s head hurt. it makes namjoon’s heart hurt.

they’re ignoring him. and proving he’s not needed.

\- - -

namjoon almost dies.

he’s in the parking lot, putting his things in the car.

another car starts backing out behind him. 

the manager screams, tries to get the driver to pay attention. the car stops.

if the driver had stopped one second later, namjoon would’ve been squashed between the two vehicles.

namjoon looks up, tries to figure out what had just happened.

the manager tells him he was almost run over. almost died.

namjoon shrugs, gets in the car. he doesn’t really care.

on the way back to the dorms, the manager tells everyone about how namjoon almost got run over. almost died.

the members ask if he’s okay. he says of course. he didn’t get hit.

he’s lying. he’s not okay.

he kind of wishes the car had hit him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! it means so much to me <3
> 
> and a special thank you to everyone for the supportive and caring comments. it's nice to know that there are kind people in the world. after awhile of nobody caring, it's kind of hard to believe people care. starting this story, i didn't expect anyone to read it or care about the things that inspired it. i'm so blown away. honestly. so, just, thank y'all so much. so so much. i probably wouldn't be this far into writing this if y'all didn't inspire me to keep going. all the love <3


	11. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of self harm. please don't read if triggered

maybe namjoon’s wasting his young years. his youth. 

maybe he has already wasted it all.

sometimes he believes he has. believes it’s all gone. and he’ll never get it back. 

maybe it really is all gone. and he’s only a shell of the person he once was.

spending over half of his teenage years being a trainee. becoming the leader of the group in his teens. having so much responsibility on his shoulders at such a young age.

with all that responsibility he knew he couldn’t mess up.

not only would his mistakes hurt him, but they would hurt the others as well. the other six boys who were relying on him to be perfect. are relying on him to be perfect. 

so he became perfect. or tried.

he never got the chance to make mistakes. it wasn’t allowed. 

maybe now he’s paying the consequences. 

he’s terrified to mess up. even the simplest mistake causes him to break down. the slightest change in tone of someone’s voice causes him to panic.

if he lies to himself, says he’s okay, believes he’s okay, then he’s not lying when he tells everyone else he’s okay. it’s not a lie if he believes it.

that’s why namjoon breaks down alone. no one can prove him wrong if they have no evidence.

he wishes to be something different. something free. something happy.

he wants to be full of life. wants to speed in cars until he can’t remember where he is. wants to drink until he can’t stand. wants to laugh until he can’t breathe. 

sometimes he imagines being someone else.

sometimes he imagines never existing at all.

\- - -

namjoon’s high. 

namjoon’s high and he wants to touch the stars.

he wants to go to the roof and fly to them. the stars. his only friends.

he needs to be with them. needs to know he’s not alone.

needs to know something else burns itself out to give light to everything around it.

needs to be around something else that is closer to dying than it knows and will eventually fall from glory. fall from the sky.

namjoon’s high. 

namjoon’s high and he loves life.

namjoon makes it to the roof and talks to the stars. his friends.

he never makes it to jumping though. the stars disappear before he can.

he promises he’ll talk to them again soon. promises he’ll be with them soon.

\- - -

namjoon thinks it’s beautiful. in a sad way. 

his arm. what he’s done to it. doing to it.

he likes the way it looks. if he’s being honest.

but it’s only for himself to look at. his own secret masterpiece.

namjoon likes what he’s created. it gives him control. he can do it when he wants. and no one can stop him.

he twirls the blade between his fingers. watches the light reflect off of it.

he shivers, chill bumps appearing on his skin. the bathroom floor is cold. but namjoon doesn’t care. this makes him feel too good to care about the frigid tiles.

he’s self destructive. that’s what he’s become.

the saddest part of it all is that he only feels happy when he’s like this. being self destructive. one wrong move away from dying.

maybe it’s the adrenaline. maybe it’s the endorphins. maybe it’s the risk. maybe it’s just fun. but whatever it is, namjoon loves it. the feeling. 

a knock on the door makes him jump. the blade falls to the floor with a small clink.

taehyung whines, tells namjoon to hurry up. namjoon apologizes, says he’s almost done.

he hurries, cleans up his arm, wipes specks of blood from the floor. he flushes the bloody tissues, tucks the blade back in its box, pockets the box.

namjoon quickly sweeps his eyes across the small room for any indication of what he’s just done. all clean.

namjoon unlocks the door, steps out, smiles at taehyung.

he feels the adrenaline running through his veins. 

that was almost close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! it means the world to me <3


	12. chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of self harm. please don't read if triggered

namjoon must be something awful.

no one talks to him.

no one speaks to him at dinner. no one speaks to him in the car. no one tries to contact him when he spends long days and longer nights in his studio.

it wasn’t always like this. things used to be good. happy.

all the boys used to be so close. such good friends. a family.

what changed?

what did namjoon do to fuck it all up?

how can he fix himself so the others will care about him again?

\- - -

namjoon is a failure.

he can’t do anything right. not one thing.

during the time he used to spend in his studio writing and producing, he now spends crying or sleeping. 

he can’t do anything good. can’t do anything perfect. 

so what’s the use in trying?

what’s the point?

namjoon decides there is no point. everything is pointless.

nothing matters anymore.

\- - -

by now, namjoon knows he’ll never be able to wear short sleeves again. at least not without hundreds of questions about his arms.

he doesn’t really care though. no one notices now. no one will notice later. it’s just the way his life is. 

summer will definitely be a pain to get through. but namjoon will deal with that when it comes.

lately, namjoon’s favorite spot is his shoulders.

there’s something so satisfying about ruining his once smooth, flawless honey skin. and he needs to give his forearms a bit of healing time. 

sometimes he gets too busy to make himself feel better. but he always tries to make time. 

this helps him survive. 

this makes him feel good. so good. 

feel better. feel in control. feel happy. 

his head feels spacey. he closes his eyes and relishes in the hurt. pain. happiness.

namjoon has learned to love this. his escape. 

no one knows. no one can stop him.

he opens his eyes, drags the thin blade across his shoulder again, tries not to get any blood on his clothes. 

namjoon takes deep breaths, lets his mind go blank. relax. 

he takes his time, leisurely letting the blade slice his skin.

namjoon has lots of secrets, but this one is by far his favorite.

he’s past the point of waiting, wishing for a hero to come save him. he doesn’t want someone to save him. he likes dealing with his problems his way. 

he likes keeping his secrets. no one would understand anyway. he doesn’t completely understand, if he’s being honest.

the only thing he knows is that this makes him feel better. helps him make it through the days alive. or partially alive. 

and at this point, that’s all he can ask for.

\- - -

namjoon thinks it’s useless. trying to better himself.

they’re never going to care about him again.

no one cares that he exclusively wears long sleeves to dance practices, even when it’s already too hot in the practice room. 

no one cares that his cheekbones and jawline are more prominent than they have ever been before. 

no one cares that he falls asleep with the all the lights on in his room because he’s too tired and too weak to get up and turn them off. 

no one cares about namjoon anymore. not even himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!!! it means so much to me <3
> 
> i'll be answering all the comments on this chapter!!! i usually don't because i want to be fair and reply to everyone's comments and i'm really awkward sometimes and don't know what to say. but for this chapter i will!!! ask me anything you want!!! about the story or about me or whatever!!! i'm on break and i've felt really lonely lately. 
> 
> and i feel like my writing's been really shitty lately and i'm very sorry for that. i haven't been feeling the best but i hope this chapter is okay and y'all like it!!! 
> 
> all the love <3


	13. chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of self harm. please don't read if triggered

namjoon doesn’t know what’s going on. not anymore.

his mind is racing. everything’s blurring together.

he’s trembling a bit, little whole body shudders.

he feels so cold but his hands are sweaty.

his head hurts and his throat feels like it’s slowly closing in on itself.

and he doesn’t know what to do. doesn’t know what’s going on.

namjoon wants to stop thinking. he just wants everything to stop for a few minutes.

but namjoon doesn’t get anything he wishes for.

the boys are being rushed from the tv studio where their interview had taken place to the van outside by multiple security guards.

there’s too many people around. namjoon can’t breathe.

namjoon always feels like he can’t breathe. all he wants to do is breathe.

he’s being pushed into the passenger seat of the van as fans crowd around the vehicle.

once they get moving, namjoon leans his head against the window, closes his eyes, tries to take deep breaths.

he just wants to breathe again. why is that so hard?

\- - -

namjoon is having a bad night.

he feels so bad inside. can’t stop thinking about all the terrible things going on. all the bad things that are wrong with him.

seokjin and taehyung are in the kitchen making dinner.

yoongi, hoseok, jimin, and jeongguk are in the living room watching tv.

namjoon knows he could go in the kitchen and watch seokjin cook while taehyung fetches ingredients from the cabinet and helps cut vegetables. talk to them while he sits on the counter.

namjoon knows he could go in the living room and squeeze himself onto the couch between jimin and hoseok. listen to the others’ comments about the show and laugh with them. 

namjoon knows he could go hang out with his members and let them distract him for a little while, but at the end of the night, namjoon will just find himself sneaking into the bathroom with the box shoved deep in his pocket. 

so namjoon skips the distractions, thinking that he would eventually annoy the members and become a burden. but they’re too nice to tell him to his face. 

namjoon pads to the bathroom, locks the door, pulls the small box from his pocket.

this has become a nightly routine for namjoon. sometimes, he can’t wait until nighttime to pull out his blade. so he sneaks it into his morning routine as well. 

lately, namjoon has taken to his upper thighs. it’s so much easier to hide. so much more empty space. 

namjoon pulls the blade out of the box, runs it across his skin until he’s satisfied.

he cleans up and hides the box back in the corner of his nightstand drawer.

he pauses in the doorway to the living room, not sure what he’s doing, if he should go in.

hoseok calls namjoon in, pats the couch beside him. namjoon is relieved someone noticed him, ended his awkward staring into the living room, invited him in.

namjoon thinks it’s odd that a year ago, he had sauntered around the dorm like he owned the place but now needed an invitation to sit with the others in the living room. 

nonetheless, he smiles at hoseok and snuggles into the couch, trying to focus on the show playing in front of him instead of the thoughts running through his mind.

in the end, his thoughts win. but namjoon still manages a smile when he hears the others laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!! it also makes me so happy!! <3
> 
> thank you to everyone who left a comment on the last chapter!! i love seeing what y'all have to say and responding!! i'm sorry it took me so long. some shit happened and i didn't have time. i'm so sorry. i'll do better.


	14. chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders. please don't read if triggered

the terrible thing about being able to hide your emotions is that you always act okay. always.

you become so good at acting okay that you don’t remember how to show that you’re not.

this is exactly what has happened to namjoon.

after years upon years of acting like he’s okay, a strong leader with no weaknesses, he can’t remember how to show that he’s not okay. that he’s sad, lonely, hurt.

this is exactly why when jimin tells them he’s getting bad again, eating is getting too hard, namjoon deals with the situation like a pro.

he and the others reassure jimin. tell him he’s perfect just the way he is. make sure he eats because eating is healthy.

namjoon doesn’t dare mention he has been feeling the same way. 

everyone keeps a close eye on jimin to make sure he’s okay. eating. healthy.

no one keeps a close eye on namjoon. haven’t for the past months.

namjoon is free to starve himself as much as he wants. no one will notice.

namjoon sits in his room a few days after jimin’s confession, wonders why the others care about jimin but not him. wonder why they want jimin to be healthy and happy but not him. 

namjoon decides he doesn’t deserve it. to be healthy and happy.

he’s not good enough for that.

namjoon deserves all the bad things he gets. and more. 

he’s a terrible person who doesn’t deserve anything good.

namjoon doesn’t deserve anything. nothing at all.

\- - -

namjoon’s learned to ignore the hunger. ignore the pain.

but right now, he’s so fucking hungry.

the boys are at a restaurant. it’s the first time in a while they have all gone out together. as a group.

namjoon had told himself he wouldn’t eat much. if anything at all.

he had decided he would order something light, maybe a salad. and pick at it instead of actually eating it.

but now they’re here and namjoon’s so hungry and the food smells so good and he wants to eat.

he adds side dishes to his plate until he starts paying attention to the conversation going on around him. 

the others are trying to convince jimin to eat. saying he’s gotten too thin lately. telling him how worried they are.

namjoon joins the conversation, agrees with the others, begs jimin to eat. 

jimin slowly agrees to eat with their gentle coaxing. the boys place side dishes and meat on his plate, murmuring about how delicious everything looks. 

someone makes a joke about how much food namjoon has piled on his plate. how if everyone eats like that, then they wouldn’t be able to keep up with the choreography, wouldn’t be able to fit into their stage outfits, wouldn’t have the energy to perform.

namjoon’s heart drops.

he wants to defend himself. tell the others that this is his first meal in three days and he’s starving. but he doesn’t. 

he keeps his smile plastered on, laughing along with the others. 

jungkook wraps an arm around his shoulders, leans into him while laughing.

everyone’s laughing, even jimin who had looked petrified a few moments ago.

namjoon figures his hurting is worth it as long as he can see the others laugh. it don’t really matter if it’s at his expense.

namjoon doesn’t care. it’s just a joke. except he does care. a bit too much actually.

but no one needs to know that joke hurt more than it should. hit a sensitive spot for namjoon. 

everyone calms down and begins eating. 

namjoon looks down at his plate. at the heaps of side dishes scattered across the smooth surface. 

they’re right. he’ll get even fatter if he eat any of this. 

his stomach is doing flips and his chest hurts and his eyes sting.

namjoon doesn’t even feel hungry anymore.

he gently lays his chopsticks down beside his plate, nods along to what the others are saying, smiles at anyone who looks toward him.

the rest of the dinner, namjoon finds himself suffocated by his thoughts. 

how come they notice jimin’s lack of eating but not his?

why don’t they care about namjoon too?

is namjoon too fat for them to care?

what did namjoon do wrong to make the boys, his best friends, not pay attention to him anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos on the last chapters!! it means so so so much to me!! <3
> 
> this fic started as a place for me to write and vent. i can't talk to anyone i know about these kinds of things and it makes me feel so alone because i feel so far away from everyone else. like there's this invisible wall separating me from everyone else and there's nothing i can do about it. so i thought if i wrote about it, then maybe it would help me and help others to know that they're not alone and there's someone else who is going or has gone through the same things. i've been told that this fic has helped people to not feel alone and that makes me so happy because that's all i really wanted to do. to help people.
> 
> all the chapters i've written have been things that i do/have done. this is why the plot may not be as quick as it should. because i'm really just venting through joon while adjusting some situations and details to fit the story. of course, i still have a plot, but that plot moves very slow. i'm sorry about that. 
> 
> also, i never set an age for the characters in the story. just sometime after the group was formed, so imagine them however old you want them to be and with whatever hair color your heart desires. really it's whatever helps you enjoy the story more. 
> 
> and i'm so so sorry that it took me awhile to update. i was trying to think through some things that were fucking me up. but it's all good now and i'm back with another chapter. i hope everyone enjoys!! <3


	15. chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

namjoon has an image. an image that he has to keep up.

it’s his job.

it’s hard. keeping up an image when you just want to be yourself.

but it’s his job. namjoon has to.

when he’s alone at night lying in bed, namjoon lets himself breaks down. lets his image slip. lets the tears slide down his face. lets his body shake with quiet sobs.

he used to be scared of the others walking into his room and finding him like this. but not anymore. the members don’t come to his room now.

sometimes namjoon likes the solitude. it’s nice. the quiet. it gives him time to think, to write. 

but too much alone time gives him too much time to think. too much time to think leads him to dangerous places in his mind.

bad thoughts. bad ideas. bad plans.

and once he starts thinking those things, it’s so hard to stop.

\- - -

it’s late when the boys arrive at the dorm after practice. usually they’d all be exhausted and go right to bed, but today everyone’s in a good mood. practice went well. the production for their next album is coming along nicely. they’ve had an unusual amount of days off lately.

everyone’s happy.

seokjin decides to whip up a quick meal while everyone lounges around, talking and laughing. 

namjoon always enjoys times like these. he likes to see the members happy and carefree because too often than not, they’re all stressed and worried about one thing or another. 

but right now, they get to act like everyone else their age. eating, telling stories, making jokes. 

they scatter across the living room, trying not to spill their food on the furniture. the tv is on, but is being used as background noise rather than for its actual purpose. 

namjoon sits in the recliner, bowl in his lap, listening to the commotion going on around him. he smiles at the jokes, but doesn’t say anything.

a rational part of him knows that his friends don’t mind him talking, participating in the conversions. they actually want him to.

but an irrational, bigger part, is scared that if he says anything, he’ll ruin the happy atmosphere in the room. that if he says something, everything will be destroyed. that his stupid, clumsy self will make all the joy disappear. 

namjoon feels like a storm cloud. like wherever he goes, he makes things sad. like he puts out the small fires of joy whenever he walks into a room, says something, looks the wrong way. 

sometimes, at times like these, namjoon thinks about what it would be like if he were never here. never with the group. never existed at all. 

he wonders if taehyung would be sitting in the recliner instead of him. wonders if hoseok would be sitting on the arm of the chair talking to yoongi on the couch instead of from across the room. 

he wonders if everyone would be happier without him. if everything would be easier if he was never born.

he remembers the comments on twitter. they said it would be. 

namjoon wants to ask the boys. ask them if they really want him here or if they’re just too nice to ask him to leave, to break his heart, to shatter his dreams. 

he wants to ask. he really, really does.

but he’s afraid of the response. he’s afraid it would be an overwhelming yes. that the members would give him a pitying look and gently tell him how much harder he makes everything.

and then namjoon would have to pretend that the words don't hurt and smile and promise to do better. to make things easier and stop being a burden.

namjoon’s not sure if he can handle that conversation right now.

so namjoon stays silent, like always. asking would definitely ruin the mood. everyone’s happy. and namjoon doesn’t want to be the reason that everyone’s sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos and bookmarks on the last chapters!! it makes me so happy!! i love hearing y'all's thoughts <3
> 
> i think my update schedule will be every four or five days, if that’s alright with everyone
> 
> did y’all hear jimin’s song??!!! it’s so fucking good asldgjfl;kdj omg i love it so fucking much. ahhh i’m so happy i love him
> 
> i’m sorry that my notes have been so long lately. i need to stop saying so much lol. i’m going to stop being annoying now


	16. chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

the members decide to get drunk.

after successful yet stressful promotions, they deserve a break. deserve to treat themselves.

they start drinking after dinner at the dorm. letting loose is always nice.

namjoon drinks. a lot. it helps him forget his problems. 

around midnight, namjoon looks out the living room window.

the stars. he needs to go talk to the stars. be with the stars. his friends.

namjoon stumbles up from where he was lying on the floor, almost toppling over before grabbing the side table.

he makes his way to the door, grabbing another bottle of soju on his way out. 

jeongguk likes drinking. especially with his hyungs. of course, he’d celebrated with the others, but he hadn’t drank as much as them. he’s tipsy at best, borderlining sober. 

jeongguk stops namjoon halfway out the door, asks him where he’s going.

namjoon smiles, says he’s going to the roof. to see his friends.

he asks if jeongguk wants to meet them, says they’re really nice.

jeongguk is confused. most of namjoon’s friends are here in the dorm, close to passing out. and no one is one the roof. 

but namjoon’s smile is so bright and he’s giggling and jeongguk hasn’t seen him this happy in such a long time.

so jeongguk smiles and says of course he’d like to meet namjoon’s friends.

namjoon smiles, giggles some more, claps his hands. he grabs jeongguk’s wrist, pulls him out the door. 

jeongguk follows close behind namjoon on the stairs to make sure he doesn’t fall down them from the impressive amount of alcohol he’d consumed.

they make it to the roof. namjoon points to the stars, tells jeongguk to look at how pretty his friends are.

all jeongguk sees is the night sky, filled with bright stars and a crescent moon.

jeongguk smiles and nods along, still confused.

everyone knows how much namjoon loves nature, but what’s going on?

jeongguk watches his hyung stumble across the rooftop, staring up at the sky and turning slowly.

occasionally he’ll twirl, talk to the stars like they’re people.

jeongguk stands and watches, tries to piece together what’s going on.

this is the happiest jeongguk has seen namjoon in a very long time. too long of a time. 

all the boys had noticed something off with their leader but tried not to overthink the situation. they decided it was probably stress. their schedule was so packed and being the leader only made it worse.

but now, jeongguk thinks something else is wrong. something bigger.

namjoon skips up to jeongguk.

“thank you for meeting my friends, jeonggukkie. they’re so pretty, don’t you think? they’re so nice too. they’re always here to listen. it’s nice, you know, to have someone to listen. to talk to. i think a lot of the time people don’t stop long enough to listen,” namjoon rambles from beside jeongguk, while they both admire the night sky.

jeongguk hums in agreement. they let the peacefulness of the night surround them, enjoying the quiet.

namjoon starts walking forward, still staring up at the stars.

he starts mumbling things like he had been all night. it’s hard for jeongguk to make out what he’s saying. but he tries, hoping to find out what’s been going on lately with his hyung.

“i’m sorry jeonggukkie...have to go...too hard...don’t wanna do it anymore...can’t anymore...time for me to go...hope you understand...just wanna go home…”

jeongguk looks over to see his hyung dangerously close to the edge of the roof, not even looking down to see where he’s going.

suddenly it all clicks for jeongguk. the stars, talking about going home, the roof.

his hyung is going to jump.

it seems to happen in slow motion.

jeongguk calls namjoon’s name, sprints toward him, yanks him away from the edge of the roof.

they collapse on the hard group, jeongguk tumbling on top of namjoon.

only now does jeongguk notice namjoon’s red eyes and wet cheeks. 

namjoon is shaking his head, repeating ‘no’ over and over.

jeongguk can’t stop himself from crying too.

he sits up and holds his hyung tight. even as namjoon struggles and tries to get away from him.

eventually, namjoon stops, lets himself be held.

they sit in silence for a few minutes, taking in what had just happened.

“why’d you stop me, gukkie? hyung was so close. so close.

“i just wanna be happy, gukkie. why won’t you let me be happy?

“i wanna go home. i wanna go home and be with my friends who love me. understand me. i wanna go be with the stars.

“why, gukkie? why won’t you let me do that?

“it hurts. everything hurts so much. especially my heart. and i don’t know how to make it stop. it won’t stop, gukkie. please make it stop.

“just wanna be loved again. why don’t y’all love me anymore? why doesn’t anyone love me anymore?

“please tell me what i did wrong. please. i need to know so i can fix it. please, gukkie, please.” namjoon rambles, his voice thick with tears. every so often he’d be cut off my a wave of sobs before he continued. 

jeongguk’s heart hurts too now. how could namjoon think these things? doesn’t he know how much everyone loves him? apparently he doesn’t. 

jeongguk tries to tell him.

“no. no, hyung. you don’t mean that. please don’t say that. please don’t leave us joonie.

“we wouldn’t know what to do without you. you can’t go. you have to stay with us. with me. we love you so much. so, so much.”

namjoon’s body is heavy with sleep and small sniffles against jeongguk.

“we’ll talk tomorrow, okay hyungie? we’ll talk tomorrow and make everything better. it’s okay. it’ll all be okay again.” jeongguk says softly, not sure whether he’s trying to convince himself or namjoon. 

\- - -

namjoon wakes up in his room. he doesn’t remember how he got there. the last thing he remembers is being on the roof with…

he had been on the roof with jeongguk.

he vaguely remembers telling jeongguk about the stars, walking near the ledge, sobbing while jeongguk hugging him. 

namjoon panics. 

how could he be so stupid? how could he have allowed jeongguk to come on the roof with him? why did he try to jump while jeongguk was with him? why did he tell jeongguk how he had been feeling?

the light coming from the window is too bright. namjoon’s head aches.

it’s almost lunch time. namjoon can hear some of the others in the kitchen, cutting vegetables and laughing. 

namjoon can’t go out there. can’t face them.

what if jeongguk had already told everyone? what if he’s waiting for namjoon to wake up so he can expose him to the group? what will namjoon do when they kick him out for being so weak and pathetic?

namjoon can’t stay here. not right now. 

so he calls the only person he knows to. he calls jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!! thank y'all for all your nice comments and kudos and bookmarks on the last chapters!! it means so much to me <3
> 
> omg over 10,000 hits. i don't even know what to say. thank y'all so so so much. it makes me so happy that my writing can help people and that people like it. thank y'all <3
> 
> i said i was going to stop being annoying in my notes, but y'all said y'all like reading them, so i'll keep writing them :))
> 
> this chapter isn't necessarily based on personal experience. i've never tried to jump off a building. not yet anyway. i guess this chapter is more me venting about things i want to do but am too scared to. i think this chapter is where the plot will pick up a bit more. anyway, i hope y'all like it!! please let me know what y'all think <3


	17. chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

namjoon calls jackson. tells him he’s sorry for bothering him, but he really needs to talk. to get out. that something bad happened. 

jackson tells him to come over.

namjoon lets out a relieved sigh, thanks him, says he’s on his way.

he quickly gets ready, slipping on a sweatshirt that’s too big for him and joggers that hang loose around his waist.

the boys greet namjoon as he walks through the kitchen, asking him where he’s going when he begins to slip on a pair of shoes. 

namjoon says he’s going to a friend’s, not to wait up for him later.

the others shrug, turn back to eating breakfast and popping pills for hangovers. everyone except for jeongguk. 

jeongguk walks over to namjoon, a frown on his face. he tells namjoon he can’t leave. not after what happened last night.

namjoon tells him it’s fine, he’s going, he’ll see jeongguk later.

jeongguk starts to get upset. he starts to tell namjoon that he has to stay here. that they have to talk about what happened last night on the roof.

but before jeongguk can start speaking again, namjoon is already out the door, walking briskly down the hallway.

namjoon practically sprints to the car waiting for him outside.

during the duration of the car ride, namjoon tries to think of how to tell jackson what happened. if he should tell jackson at all.

last time, jackson told namjoon to call him if he felt like cutting again, if he felt like doing anything bad, if anything at all happened. 

jackson made namjoon promise he would. reassured namjoon that he should never feel like a burden for calling him. that jackson wanted to help.

namjoon hadn’t completely kept his promise. he had cut without calling jackson, had bad thoughts without calling jackson.

he felt bad for breaking the promise, but namjoon would feel worse if he called jackson every day to relay how awful he felt.

besides, no one likes a complainer. no one likes namjoon.

namjoon hadn’t even called jackson once to talk about everything that’s wrong until this morning. 

when namjoon knocks on the door and is immediately pulled into a hug, he decides to tell jackson what had happened. maybe jackson could help.

jackson leads him into a small room off a long hallway. they sit down on the couch with the whispering of the tv filling the silence. 

jackson asks namjoon what happened, why he sounded so frantic earlier.

namjoon hesitates, looks down.

he tells jackson that it’s kind of bad. that he probably doesn’t want to know.

jackson tells him it’s alright. he wants to know. wants to help. 

“i think,” namjoon starts.

jackson nods encouragingly, concerned eyes trained on namjoon.

“i think i tried to jump off the roof last night,” namjoon whispers.

jackson blanches. “oh, joonie, no…” he whispers back. 

“i was drunk. i was drunk and on the roof with...with jeongguk.

“how could i have let him follow me to the roof? how could i have tried to jump while he was with me? how could i be so stupid? so selfish?

“i’m so selfish, jackson.” namjoon rambles, tears starting to slide down his face at the thought of his maknae, his jeonggukkie, having to stop him from jumping off the roof. 

“no, joon, you’re not selfish. please don’t say things like that. you’re hurt. you’re hurt, namjoon-ah. you can’t blame yourself for that. you can’t control things like that.” jackson says, pausing after to let namjoon continue. 

“but now i don’t know what to do. what if jeongguk tells them? he can’t tell them. he can’t tell them because i’m their leader. i’m supposed to be strong. except i’m not. i’m weak and now they’re going to know. they can’t know.

“i don’t know what to do anymore, jackson. i can’t. i can’t do it. i can’t…” namjoon’s voice fades into sobs as jackson pulls him close.

eventually, namjoon stops sobbing. the two sit in silence. 

“joonie, i think it’s time for them to know.” jackson says, breaking the silence.

namjoon starts to shake his head, whimpers ‘no’ over and over. 

“namjoon, listen. hear me out, okay?” jackson continues. “this has been going on far too long. you have to tell them, joon. they have to know. i’m sure they want to know. it’s impossible for me to believe that they haven’t noticed something going on.

“they’re your best friends. your family. it’ll help, yeah? i’ll come with you if you want. i can help explain. but you need to tell them. they need to know. i can’t watch you crumble like this and not try to help.” jackson finishes, sounding choked at the end. 

“but you have helped,” namjoon whispers, fidgeting with his hands.

“i know. but i want to help more. i help because i care about you. don’t you think the others want to help you too?” jackson asks.

namjoon stays quiet as he thinks. thinks about if his friends care because they love him or if they only care out of obligation. 

he imagines telling them. sitting in the living room and talking about everything that’s happened. 

imagines seokjin pulling him onto his lap and stroking his hair while tears fall into it. 

imagines jimin holding his hands and trying not to cry as to not upset namjoon even more. 

imagines taehyung sitting on the floor beneath the couch trying to muffle his sobs.

imagines hoseok holding taehyung on the floor, trying to hold his sobs in as well because ‘why didn’t you tell us earlier?’

imagines jeongguk finishing the story for him from beside jimin on the couch, struggling to speak clearly because of the way his voice shakes.

imagines yoongi, teary eyed and choked up, reassuring namjoon that they would help him now. that everything would be alright now. it’s all okay.

but then namjoon thinks some more.

he imagines telling them. sitting in the living room and talking about everything that’s happened.

imagines their disgusted looks. the way they shake their heads, muttering words like ‘pathetic’ and ‘horrible’. 

imagines them saying they can’t have a member as weak as him.

imagines them kicking him out, telling him he shouldn’t have even been here in the first place.

imagines them walking out of the dorm, slamming the door behind them. 

imagines them leaving him alone again. 

namjoon ends up shaking his head in response to jackson’s question. 

“can’t tell them. they’ll care too much,” namjoon mumbles. “or they won’t care at all.”

“i know you might not think that they care, but they do, joon.” jackson murmurs.

“you don’t know that,” namjoon says, glancing up at jackson.

jackson can see the pain on his face, tears in his eyes. can see how difficult this conversation is for namjoon.

“but i know you, joonie.

“i know you. and i know that no one could ever hate you. i know you’re kind and smart and hardworking and caring and passionate and oh-so-precious.

“i know you hate yourself and don’t believe me when i tell you i care about you, when i tell you to call me anytime because i want to help you. i know you don’t think you deserve good things, but i’m here to tell you that you do. 

“you deserve every good thing in the world and more. i wish you’d believe me, joon-ah, because then you could see yourself the way me and everyone else sees you.” jackson says, petting namjoon’s hair softly. 

namjoon’s shaky hands pick at his lip as tries to hide his tears. 

jackson shushes him, hugs his, tells him it’s okay. everything will be okay. and that even if it’s not, he’ll always be here, right beside namjoon. 

after finishing four movies and reassuring jackson dozens of times that he’s feeling better now, that he doesn’t feel like jumping off a building anymore, namjoon makes his way back to the dorms. 

jackson tells namjoon to call him if anything, anything at all, happens. namjoon says okay, promises to. and this time he means it. 

namjoon still isn’t sure about telling the others. but he’s got jackson. he’s got jackson, and for the moment, that’s all he really needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y’all like it!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!! thank y’all for all your nice comments and kudos and bookmarks on the last chapters!! reading y’alls comments is the best part of my day <3
> 
> i’m so fucking sorry it took me so fucking long to get this chapter out. i know i said i would update every four or five days, but i don’t know about that anymore. i’m so sorry
> 
> it was really difficult for me to write this chapter because i’ve never experienced this before, so i had to figure out how to write it and try to make it good and ughhh it was a long process. plus i’ve been feeling shitty for the past week or two and i don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. it’s like i’ll just be sitting there and then i’ll start thinking and then i have all these thoughts and they’re just, like, bad. i don’t know. i don’t know what to do anymore. all i really want to do is sleep. sleep forever
> 
> also, i’m sorry for making everyone worry. please don’t worry about me. i’m not worth worrying about. 
> 
> and thank y’all again for all your precious comments. it really does make my day and makes me feel so so so happy
> 
> anyways, i hope y’all like this. i kinda teared up writing it. hehehe alskdjf; too many feelings


	18. chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

after reassuring jackson dozens of times that he’s feeling a bit better now and yes, he’s okay to go back to the dorm, namjoon leaves, staring at the night sky through the foggy car window. 

namjoon’s nervous. hopefully, jeongguk will assume his actions were only because he was drunk and not tell anyone. he crosses his fingers that this will be the case as he walks down the hallway.

namjoon hesitates before knocking on the door. he tries to convince himself that it will be fine. everything will be fine. 

he raps his knuckles again the door, cursing himself for forgetting his keys this morning. he was hoping to slip inside without anyone noticing. not causing a scene. 

before namjoon has the chance to knock twice, the door is yanked open. 

jimin hugs him with so much force namjoon almost falls over. 

shouts bounce off the walls of the dorm. 

the boys are rushing around, the swift motions too much for namjoon’s tired mind to keep up with. 

namjoon’s eyes are wide, mouth hanging open a bit. 

he’s stunned. then confused. then worried.

it’s not like they actually missed him. he goes out all the time and never gets this sort of reaction when he gets back.

jeongguk must have told them. told them every little detail about last night. 

namjoon feels like crying. they can’t know. they don’t need to know. why do they know?

someone is gently leading namjoon inside, pulling him down onto the couch. namjoon thinks his breathing is irregular but can’t be sure. he feels like he’s underwater. they know. 

the sound of his name snaps him out of his daze. it’s taehyung. 

namjoon looks up. taehyung and seokjin are standing above him, concerned eyes watching his every move. 

namjoon shakes his head, mumbles something about having work to do. he gets up to leave, takes a few steps toward his room.

a hand is on his, trying to pull him back towards the couch. namjoon shakes it off roughly. guilt courses through him as he realizes what he’s just done.

he has to leave. now. 

he needs to get out. out, out, out. 

someone grabs his arm, spins him around. seokjin. 

namjoon struggles to get away. seokjin steps forward, hugs him.

“it’s okay, joonie. it’s okay. everything will be okay now,” he whispers in namjoon’s ear. 

namjoon stops trying to pull away, stays still in seokjin’s embrace, soaks in everything that’s going on. 

namjoon’s worst fears have come alive. they know.

they know. 

they know.

they know. 

the thought puts tears in his eyes. 

why do they have to know?

namjoon makes eye contact with jeongguk.

jeongguk’s eyes are wide, brows furrowed with sadness. 

“you told them,” namjoon says. he tries to sound angry, but instead, it comes out shaky and choked.

jeongguk blanches, scrambles for words, tries to explain himself. 

he had to tell his hyungs. he didn’t know what else to do. he couldn’t not do anything. does his hyung not understand that?

“yes namjoon, he told us. just like he should have. sit down on the couch. we need to talk,” yoongi says, his voice soft but authoritative, leaving no room for discussion.

namjoon shakes his head anyway, silently begging him not to do this. not talk about it. not to force him to talk too. 

namjoon can’t do this. can’t tell them more than they already know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y’all like it!! i really appreciate comments and feedback!! thank y’all for all your nice comments and kudos and bookmarks on the last chapters!! i love reading y'all's comments so much and hearing what y'all think 
> 
> hi everyone!! i’m so so so sorry that i haven’t been posting recently. there’s so much going on, and i’ve been quite stressed. but i shouldn’t make excuses. thank you all for being patient with me and reading and commenting on my story!! i know i say this all the time, but it really does mean the world to me. i feel like i’ve been lacking inspiration recently, so if anyone has any suggestions or things they would like to see happen please comment and let me know. i’ll try my best to include it into the storyline!! y'all are the sweetest people ever!! thank y'all for all your support, and i want everyone to know that i support you all too!! if y'all want, i can give my twitter handle if anyone wants to chat!! i literally just wrote this chapter, so i hope it's alright. i’m sorry to leave y’all on a bit of a cliffhanger. i love y’all <3


	19. chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of self harm and eating disorders. please don't read if triggered

they settle on the couches, spread out across the floor.

the dorm is oddly quiet. there’s always something going on, some sort of noise, distraction. except for now.

now everyone is silent, unsure. 

the other stare at each other, trying to figure out who will break the silence.

yoongi does this, quiet voice seeming loud in the still room.

“namjoon-ah, what happened on the roof last night?”

namjoon squeezes his hands together, stares at the rug.

“it was nothing, yoongi hyung. i was just drunk. don’t worry about-”

“don’t you dare tell us not to worry, hyung. we’ve been so worried about you for the past few months. there’s something wrong, and you won’t tell us. 

“don’t you know how much we love you? we want to help you, but you won’t tell us what’s wrong. you always help us. let us help you, namjoonie hyung. please,” taehyung says, cutting namjoon off.

namjoon blanches.

they were worried? they couldn’t have been. they never noticed him.

they don’t care about him.

he doesn’t want them to worry. he can do this himself, take care of himself. he doesn’t need any help.

“seriously. there’s nothing to be worried about. i’m absolutely fine,” namjoon says, hoping they will let this go.

“so we shouldn’t worry after hearing that you tried to jump off the roof last night? we shouldn’t worry that you don’t tell us anything anymore, never want to be around us? we shouldn’t worry that you’re shrinking in front of our eyes?” jimin sounds desperate, eyes filled with tears.

“i’m not-”

“don’t try to tell me i’m over-exaggerating, hyung. i know what you’ve been doing. i can see you bones. when i hugged you, i could feel your bones,” jimin continues, stopping when his voice sounds as teary as his eyes.

the room is silent for a few moments, save for small sniffles.

namjoon never wanted this. never wanted them to cry for him, worry about him, be sad for him.

he feels so bad, so guilty.

watching the others try not to cry makes namjoon’s eyes water, throat close up.

“i wasn’t...i didn’t...i never,” namjoon doesn’t know what to say.

could he really tell them anything? would it scare them off? make them think he wants attention? do they really care or are they just acting like it?

seokjin’s arms tighten around his waist. it makes namjoon feel safe, comfortable.

namjoon slowly leans his head on seokjin’s shoulder, waits to see if seokjin will push him off. when seokjin doesn’t, namjoon relaxes a bit more, closes his eyes for a minute.

no one says anything for a few moments. namjoon opens his eyes, stares at the far wall.

“i just wanted to look good,” namjoon begins. “i wanted to be attractive, pretty like everyone else.”

“but you are, joon. you already were. you’ve always been,” hoseok says, hoping that namjoon will believe him. he would never lie to namjoon. never has, never will.

“no. no, please don’t lie to me. i’m not and i know it. it’s just that not eating leads to losing weight. and losing weight leads to being pretty. and being pretty leads to happiness. it makes me feel good. then i don’t feel like i have to…” namjoon rambles, then catches himself.

he can’t tell them that. he can’t tell them that losing weight and seeing his ribs in the mirror causes a certain euphoria that makes him not want to cut.

he can’t. he needs to stop. needs to stop now.

“namjoon, what don’t you feel like you have to do?” hoseok asks.

namjoon fidgets with his sleeves, hold the ends in his fists with an iron grip.

jeongguk, who had silently observed namjoon’s demeanor until now, chimes in. 

“hyung, you didn’t...please don’t tell me you…” jeongguk trails off, not wanting to say the words out loud, hoping his suspicions are wrong. 

fuck. fuck, namjoon fucked up. and now they’re going to find out.

it’s just that no one had been concerned about him in so long. so, so long.

and namjoon feels selfish, guilty, needy for liking their concern. it makes him feel wanted, important, loved.

now he regrets the false sense of security he had been lured into.

he’s stupid. so stupid for blurting things out. rambling about things they shouldn’t, didn’t need to know.

“jungkook, what do you think namjoon did?” yoongi’s steady voice breaks through namjoon’s thoughts. 

all eyes except namjoon’s stare at jungkook as he stutters.

“hyung, namjoon hyung, maybe...i think...did he…does he...” 

jeongguk gestures vaguely to his arms, trying to convey the message without actually saying it outloud, confirming one of their worst nightmares.

seokjin catches on, turns namjoon in his lap so they’re face to face.

seokjin moves his hands to gently hold namjoon’s wrists.

“i need you to be completely honest with me, okay?” seokjin says softly.

namjoon glances behind seokjin into the kitchen, then at him. seokjin’s eyes are wet. namjoon doesn’t respond, doesn’t know how to.

namjoon shakes his head once. 

he can’t tell them. he can’t. why don’t they understand that?

“joon, please. i need you to tell me. it’s okay. i won’t be mad, yeah? please just be honest,” seokjin tries again.

this time, namjoon doesn’t shake his head.

“joon-ah, have you been hurting yourself?” seokjin whispers, rubbing his thumbs in comforting circles over namjoon’s wrist bone through the fabric of his sweatshirt. 

namjoon hears someone let out a sob behind him.

guilty. namjoon feels so guilty for burdening them with this. his problems, his pain, himself in general.

namjoon bites his lower lip to keep from sobbing with the person behind him. he tries and succeeds for a few seconds.

but the tears won’t stay in namjoon’s eyes anymore and tumble down his cheeks. 

namjoon sniffles, then lets out a little sob. it’s all seokjin needs to pull him close, hug him tight.

namjoon buries his face in seokjin’s shoulder, wraps his arms around his hyung’s neck. his sobs come out harsher now, the tears hot against his skin. 

seokjin’s arms are secure around namjoon’s waist, one hand rubbing up and down his spine. namjoon’s shaky hands grip seokjin’s sweater, silently begging him not to let go. 

they stay like this for a while. the sounds of crying and whispered words are worse than the previous silence for namjoon. 

he caused this. he made them cry. he’s so terrible.

when namjoon’s sobs have reduced to sniffles and his grip loosens a bit, seokjin pulls him back a bit, so he can see namjoon’s face.

“namjoon, can i see please? i want to make sure they’re not infected or need stitches.” 

namjoon shakes his head, wraps his arms around his middle, grips his sleeves tight.

he’s already caused them so much pain. no more tonight.

“please, joon. please,” seokjin asks again.

namjoon continues to shake his head.

“bed,” namjoon whispers, his voice sounding weak and croaky from crying so much.

“okay, you can go to bed,” seokjin sounds tired too, but doesn’t seem like he’s going to sleep anytime soon.

as namjoon walks to his room, he hears a small chorus of ‘goodnight joon’s and ‘we love you’s.

he turns around at the doorway, gives a small smile, says goodnight, that he loves them too.

namjoon changes into sweatpants and a sweatshirt before climbing into his bed.

a few moments later, the door cracks open, a sliver of light entering the dark room. jimin and taehyung slide inside.

namjoon sits up as they walk over to him. taehyung hands him a glass of water.

“we thought you might want some water,” he says softly. namjoon smiles and thanks him.

“the others wanted to come in too, but we didn’t want to overwhelm you.” jimin says, keeping his voice just as soft as taehyung did.

there’s so much to say. so many question to ask. but no one says anything. 

namjoon sips the water as they sit in silence.

when namjoon finishes, he hands the glass back to taehyung, thanking him again.

jimin and taehyung both give namjoon a long hug before leaving. namjoon hugs them both back, trying to silently apologize for everything. he thinks they understand because they hug him tighter, as if to say that it’s okay, everything will be okay.

taehyung opens the door, gives a sad smile to namjoon, walks out. jimin follows, but before closing the door, he says, “hyung said we would finish talking tomorrow. i just thought you’d like to know.”

“okay,” namjoon replies, pulling the blankets up to his shoulders.

jimin closes the door, taking the light with him. 

the room is completely dark again.

namjoon stares at the ceiling, thinking. 

what will he say? how will he explain? why doesn’t he have control over himself anymore?

he can hear the others in the living room. their soft voices carry through the dorm, but namjoon can’t make out what they’re saying. 

namjoon gets tired of trying to figure it out, so he lets his eyes close, falling asleep. 

\- - -

yoongi clambers into bed beside namjoon, pushing him further towards the wall.

namjoon wakes up, trying to figure out what’s going on.

“hyung, why are you in here?” namjoon asks, barely able to make out yoongi’s silhouette in the dark room.

“because,” yoongi says while adjusting the pillows.

the rest of the words go unspoken.

because i don’t want you waking up and hurting yourself in the middle of the night. because i’m scared you’re going to leave us. because i’m scared i’ll wake up and you’ll be gone, dead. 

yoongi gets situated, then reaches out and clutches namjoon’s sleeve as they fall asleep to make sure he’s still there and doesn’t disappear.

“thank you, yoongi hyung,” namjoon whispers before falling back asleep.

yoongi hums in response.

outside the window, the stars are shining. maybe namjoon could still be one of them, but in a different way this time. in way that includes his six best friends, his brothers, his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!! yet again, i’m extremely sorry it took me so long to update. i’m also very sorry if i’ve worried anyone. i’ve been so busy lately and it sucks. but i’m back and i’m going to try to make updates happen quicker!! 
> 
> i’ve missed you all so much. i miss reading your comments and hearing what y’all think. it always encourages me and makes me so happy.
> 
> if anyone wants to chat, my twitter handle is @vsadstrawberry
> 
> i hope y’all like this chapter!! there’s a lot of dialogue and i’ve never written much dialogue, so i hope it’s okay. i don’t know about this chapter. for some reason i feel nervous to post. thank you all so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments!! <33


	20. chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags

waking up in the morning is never easy.

namjoon blinks his eyes open, feeling warm and safe wrapped in his blankets.

then he remembers. remembers last night’s events. remembers that the others know. 

they know. 

part of namjoon feels like crying all over again. he wonders what they think of him now. they acted like they cared last night, but namjoon can never be too sure anymore.

the other part of namjoon doesn’t particularly care. in some far crevice of his mind, he knew somehow at some point in time that someone would find out. he still wishes it had never happened, but when have namjoon’s wishes ever became true?

overall, he feels numb. it’s an odd feeling. but one he’s gotten to know nonetheless.

namjoon rolls over. beside him sits a messy haired yoongi scrolling through his phone.

neither of them speak, instead basking in the comfortable silence. 

he wants to ask yoongi if they really care. and if they do, then why did they ignore him, leave him alone for so long?

yoongi and namjoon have known each other the longest out of any of the members. if anyone would tell him the truth, it would be yoongi. even if the truth hurts.

once the idea pops into namjoon’s head, he can’t really stop himself. 

he’s been wondering for so long. he just wants to know, needs to know. now.

“hyung, do y’all really care? or do y’all just feel responsible, like i’m some sort of liability. because i can…”

“namjoon-ah i don’t know where you got the idea that we don’t care about you because that’s impossible. we all care about you so much, love you so much. we wouldn’t be a group without you,” yoongi says, making eye contact with namjoon. 

“then… then why didn’t y’all act like it? why didn’t y’all say something? why did y’all leave me all alone? why… i don’t understand,” namjoon trails off, confused. 

yoongi’s phone lies abandoned on the duvet. he maneuvers himself so that he’s lying down, facing namjoon with his head propped on his hand. 

“of course we noticed, joon. you weren’t acting like yourself, quieter than usually, rarely at home. we had talks, the rest of us, about what to do, trying to figure out what was wrong. we decided to give you space, let you come to us. you always did before, so we figured we just had to wait.

“but you never came to us. we were worried sick, joonie. and then, with what’s happened recently… i was so scared. we all were. 

“and… i’m sorry. i’m sorry that we didn’t handle the situation well. i’m sorry we made you feel this way. i’m sorry we didn’t ask you sooner. i’m so sorry joon. we’re so sorry.” yoongi finishes, a tear trailing down his cheek. 

yoongi never cried. at least not in front of others. 

namjoon takes yoongi’s hand, squeezes it. 

“it’s okay, hyung,” namjoon whispers.

and he means it. there’s still a lot of talking to do, but namjoon feels more at peace now than he’s felt in the past few months. 

“we’ll talk more later, okay? it’s still early. for now, let’s just sleep,” yoongi says softly.

namjoon moves to rest his head on yoongi’s chest. he closes his eyes, smiling a bit as yoongi pets his hair. 

there’s time. there’s always time as long as they are together. as group, as a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi my friends!! i hope you all are doing well!! i’m so sorry for taking so long to update. i hope i haven’t worried anyone. i’ve had so much to do recently. i also got rejected from a writing camp, which made me question my abilities as a writer. for a little while after that, i didn't want to write anymore. but after thinking about it for a long time, i realized that i don’t want anyone to tell me how or what to write. i had a bit of writer’s block after that, so i hope this chapter is okay. 
> 
> i’m sorry for the short chapter. i hope y’all like it anyway!! thank y’all so much for all the kudos and comments and bookmarks!! i adore reading y’all’s comments!! <33
> 
> thank you to everyone who messaged me on twitter!! i love talking to y’all!! i hope i haven’t bored y’all yet hahaha
> 
> and omg the new album and boy with luv music video!! i'm in love ahhh


	21. chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of self harm. please don't read if triggered

they’re gathered in the living room again. all the boys are spread out across the floor, couch, and recliners.

“joon, all we ask is that you answer honestly, okay? we won’t be mad. we just want to help. can you do that for us?” yoongi asks.

namjoon nods slowly. he knows they need to talk. but he still doesn’t want to.

he doesn’t want to discuss all of his secrets with the boys. he wants to keep them safe. safe and far from this dark part of himself.

“how long has this been going on, hyung?” jimin says softly, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

how long had namjoon been keeping this to himself? why didn’t he tell them, ask for help? did he not trust them anymore?

namjoon hesitates, picks at the skin around his nails. 

he didn’t want to hurt them. hurt them with the truth. 

yes, he knows what he did and still does isn’t normal, isn’t healthy. but is it really that bad? it helps him, makes him feel better. 

he deserves it. and the boys deserve a better version of himself. these things are helping him become better.

“um, a few months, i think. or a little more...i can’t really remember. it all just kind of...happened.” namjoon says, shifting uncomfortably in the silence that follows. 

“why?” taehyung asks the question that everyone is thinking. 

why, why, why? why would their beautiful leader cut, starve, try to jump off the roof? why, why, why?

“i don’t know,” namjoon says simply, staring at his hands.

except that he does know why. he knows exactly why. but the others don’t need to know, can’t know. 

seokjin wraps his arm around namjoon, pulls him close.

“no more lies, joon-ah. no more lies.” seokjin whispers in namjoon’s ear.

namjoon curls into himself, turns to make eye contact with his oldest hyung.

“i never meant to lie. i never meant to hurt anyone else. i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to. it just made me feel better, made everything else go away. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to. just didn’t wanna feel bad anymore.” namjoon rambles with teary eyes.

“it’s okay, we know. you have nothing to be sorry for.” seokjin says, running his fingers through namjoon’s hair. 

namjoon sniffles, then continues quietly. “it’s just, y’all left me. y’all were never around and…and it hurt. i’ve never considered myself lonely but that’s i was. i felt alone all the time, even when everyone was here. i don’t like being alone like that. i don’t like it...i don’t.”

he rubs his eyes, willing the tears to go away. he doesn’t want to have another breakdown in front of everyone. 

“we’re so sorry joonie. we never meant to make you feel alone. we figured you needed space, that you’d come to us when you were ready. we’re so, so sorry. you never have to be alone again. promise.” hoseok says, leaning forward on the recliner. 

“it’s not y’all’s fault. if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. i think i’m just messed up. i don’t know why i can’t be alone for more than five seconds.” namjoon mumbles, picking at his nails. 

“it’s no one’s fault, hyung. miscommunication. we won’t let it happen again, yeah? no one should have to feel like that. no one likes feeling alone.” jungkook says, rubbing namjoon’s knee from where he sits leaning against the couch. 

namjoon smiles at jungkook, leans his head on seokjin’s shoulder. 

it’s quiet for a few moments, only the sound of the air conditioner resonating throughout the dorm. but it’s a comfortable silence. 

“namjoonie hyung, what did you use when you...when you cut?” taehyung asks gently. 

“it was...um, it was a blade from a pencil sharpener. why?” namjoon responds nervously. 

taehyung doesn’t want to hurt himself, does he? no, not taehyung. no, no, no. 

“i wanna get rid of it. you don’t need to hurt yourself anymore, hyung. you don’t need to have it anymore.” taehyung replies.

namjoon sighs in relief until he realizes what taehyung means. 

taehyung wants to throw away his blade. he can’t throw it away. 

namjoon needs it. 

he shoots up, sits straight against the back of the couch.

“no. no, you can’t. please. i can’t get rid of it, not yet. i won’t do it anymore, but i can’t get rid of it. no, tae, you can’t. please don’t. please, no.” namjoon pleads, staring at taehyung across the room. 

“but you don’t need it anymore, hyung. why do you want to keep it?” taehyung asks confused. 

namjoon needs it. why don’t they understand that? he’ll try to stop, but he can’t throw his blade away. 

he can’t, he can’t, he can’t. 

“joon-ah, it’s okay. you need to breathe.” seokjin says from beside him.

namjoon takes deep breaths, tries to remember how to breathe. 

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to…” taehyung trails off. 

“it’s okay, tae. we know.” hoseok murmurs. 

“where are they, hyung? the…the cuts.” jimin asks quietly. 

“um, there’s kind of...a lot. uh, here, here, here, um and here too.” namjoon mumbles, gesturing to his wrists, shoulders, hips, and thighs. 

“do any of them need to be cleaned? we don’t want them to get infected.” yoongi explains gently.

namjoon huffs out a small chuckle. he’s become a professional at hiding his cuts and making sure they don’t get infected. practice makes perfect. 

“no, hyung. the newest ones are a few days old. they’re fine,” namjoon responds. 

yoongi nods. namjoon leans his head back onto seokjin’s shoulder. 

“have you ever thought about getting help, joon? from a therapist or something? we could ask the managers to find a good one or…” 

namjoon cuts hoseok off. 

“no, no, no. please don’t tell anyone. you can’t, please. i’ll be fine, i’ll be okay. i don’t want to. please don’t tell them.” namjoon begs, sitting up again. 

they can’t tell anyone. no one can know. if this gets out, then namjoon’s whole life, entire career, everything he’s worked so hard for is ruined. 

“okay, it’s okay. you don’t have to tell anyone now. just think about it, yeah?” yoongi says, calming namjoon down.

namjoon nods, begins picking at the skin around his fingers again. 

seokjin grabs namjoon hand, preventing him from tearing at the ripped skin around his nails.

“let’s make some lunch. how does that sound joon-ah?” seokjin smiles, getting up from the couch. 

namjoon smiles back, trails behind seokjin. 

the others follow them into the kitchen.

namjoon continues smiling for the rest of the day. 

times like these make namjoon think he can be okay again, be okay like he was before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! again, i’m so so so sorry that it took me so long to update. i had writers block for a while, which really sucked. but now i have ideas (hopefully they’re good). now that school’s out i have a lot more time, and i’m not stressed anymore!! i hope y’all like this chapter. i’m sorry if it’s boring or bad. it has a lot of dialogue, which i’m still kinda new to writing so it makes me nervous. 
> 
> and 20,000 hits??!!! thank y’all so much!! i feel so bad that i haven’t been updating lately, but i’m gonna start updating more, i promise!! 
> 
> thank y’all so much for all the hits, kudos, and comments!! i hope i’m not disappointing y’all!!


	22. chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably triggering. please look at tags
> 
> this chapter has themes of eating disorders. please don’t read if triggered

things have been...better. busy, but better.

perhaps the busyness of their schedule has helped namjoon. he’s too tired to do anything when they arrive back at the dorm. he’s constantly surrounded by the other members; only fleeting moments of loneliness can slip through the cracks of their protective shield.

laughing with his members, goofing off during dance practice, making new beats and writing new songs just because. it all feels so normal, so nice. just like it did before. 

it feels so good to be one again. one unit, one family, one team working towards one goal. 

so, all in all, namjoon can’t really complain, shouldn’t really be able to complain. 

except that some nights, when everything is dark and silent, namjoon’s bad thoughts rush back to him. they flood his mind, pushing out all the good memories he’s recently built. 

and with these thoughts comes the guilt. the guilt that he just can’t seem to shake this sadness, this fear, this unchanging plague. 

why, why why? why is he like this? why won’t it go away? why must it happen now when he should be so, so happy?

namjoon just wants to get better, to be what they want him to be. he doesn’t want to be the reason they worry, doesn’t want to be the reason they’re afraid to go to sleep at night. 

the question comes with small talk at breakfast: how did you sleep? namjoon always gives a positive response, somewhere along the lines of just fine and never better.

his left eye twitches a tiny bit every time he says this, every time he lies. much to his satisfaction, no one has caught on. 

it’s not that he wants to lie. he really doesn’t. he just doesn’t want to become a burden, afraid his bleak responses will put everyone on high alert again. 

because it’s not as bad as it was before. namjoon’s got it under control. he’s had this under control more times than he hasn’t. 

it’ll be fine. he’s getting better. a few white lies never hurt anyone, right?

\- - -

namjoon can’t help but stop in front of the mirror. 

he looks a bit bigger. 

his collarbones don’t pop out as much. his tummy is a bit softer. and the gap between his thighs looks the tiniest bit smaller than before. 

namjoon’s heart seizes in his chest. all the memories of dinners spent chatting with the others and mindlessly eating until he was full rush back to him. 

he continues to study his body in the mirror. this must be what he gets for being so careless. 

how had he not noticed this before? had he become this complacent with his appearance? if he feels this disgusted with the recent change, he can only wonder how the fans feel.

luckily, no one had commented on his observation. if they had, namjoon probably would’ve broken down right in front of them. 

namjoon rubs his eyes, runs his fingers through his hair. one last glimpse in the mirror and he steps out of the bathroom. he’s afraid the others will get worried if he stays in there too long, which is one of the last things he wants to happen. 

namjoon makes his way back to the couch to grab his phone, jumping as someone touches his shoulder.

“come to dinner, hyung. seokjin hyung said it’s ready,” jimin says happily. 

“i’m not hungry right now, minnie, just a little tired. i’m going to go lie down, but i’ll grab something later.” namjoon manages a quick smile before hurrying towards his room.

he doesn’t look back, afraid to see the disappointment on jimin’s face. 

more white lies. more white lies and they never seem to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends!!! i hope y’all enjoy this chapter!!! i’m so sorry it took me so long to write. please forgive me. all the love <333


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